I just want to go.

Oscar Rejlander "Homeless"

"Monk by the Sea" by Caspar David Friedrich

Sometimes, things make so much sense it's scary. Now, is one of those times.

Creep

I wish I was special, but I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.

Bruises

How do I get myself into these situations? My problem boils down to one thing: I can't get past the past. No matter what the past is, to me, it's always better than the present and I always have an urge to "have it back". My brain highlights every good memory I've ever had and focuses on it. And then when I think of the present, all the negatives stand out so that all I want to do is run back.

A year from now, I will wish for these days back, even though right now I am quite confused and miserable. A year ago, I probably dreamed about the year before it -- yet now, here I am, wishing for THAT time back. It's stupid, ridiculous, and ruining my life.

I just need to get things right, period. I think the only way I'm going to do that is being alone for a bit. I have no idea what my next move is. I know what would be ideal, but it really boils down to what will be better for me. I really need to start taking care of my damn self.

I'm going to have a visit from someone who changed my life in a lot of different ways and who I haven't seen in over a year. I'm not really looking into it as something definitive or revealing. I am just looking forward to the visit. It will be good to spend time together.

When I saw Felicia the other day, it felt unreal. I can't believe she has a little baby inside of her. I feel like time has flown by. I've known her longer than I've known most people in my life (other than family). She kept telling me that I was beautiful and commenting on how long my hair was. Honestly, it just felt really nice to hear someone say they thought I was beautiful. Especially, since I know she meant it beyond how my skin looks, or my body, or my hair. It's been a long time since I felt that way because of anyone. She really is beautiful too. I adore her. I'm glad I got to meet her new family.

It feels like I just wiped out and got tossed back on shore, spitting up salt water and sand from under my lips. I have no desire to get up and dry off. I just lie here wondering when it will make sense and when the moon will give me a calm tide.

I know I just need some time to come back to my senses before I can dive back in. But, I don't know whats going to happen in the meantime, while I'm just on shore like a wrecked ship.